Being a “Bitch” Is Hard… But Someone’s Gotta Do It

Reclaiming Anger, Boundaries, and Self-Trust

I really enjoy this reclamation of the word bitch. Because let’s be honest… bitches will illuminate the dirty little secrets that “polite” society refuse to acknowledge.

 They’re the ones who notice.

The ones who will name it.

The ones who refuse to smile sweetly while something disturbing is happening right in front of them.

 For a very long time, women have been pathologized, vilified, and even erased for doing something dangerously simple:

Telling the truth about what they see.

 And when you tell the truth about things people benefit from hiding?

You don’t get applause. You get labeled.

Hysterical.
Unladylike.
Difficult.

Because how dare you question a system built on comfort for some and oppression for others?

Push further, try to change that system, and suddenly you’re not just a bitch, you are:

A danger.

A threat.

A witch.

Someone to be silenced, controlled, or burned at the stake.

When “Bitchy” Is Actually Boundary Magic

For people who weren’t trained into passivity, what gets labeled as “bitchy” is just… having boundaries.

But many women (and many others) weren’t taught to have boundaries or expectations, instead they were taught something very different:

Be agreeable.
Be accommodating.
Be nice—even when it costs you everything.

You’re lucky they even let you in here.

How can you ask for more?

And underneath all of that conditioning?

A silenced signal system.

Because anger, the kind that says “this isn’t okay” would have been too inconvenient if fully expressed.

When boundary-setting is framed as anger and anger is framed as unacceptable, who benefits?

Certainly not you.

It benefits the people who rely on your self-abandonment. The ones who will mine your time, energy, emotions, and resources until there’s nothing left.

The Truth About Anger (That No One Taught You)

“Isn’t anger a bad emotion? Shouldn’t we avoid it?”

 The answer is: Yes, and no.

 Anger can be destructive.

We’ve all seen what happens when it’s weaponized—often by people already in positions of power. Rage gets used to justify cruelty, target marginalized groups, and avoid responsibility.

But that’s not the kind of anger we’re talking about.

That’s not anger.
That’s abuse.

Real anger—the kind most people are taught to suppress—is information.

• Anger says: a boundary has been crossed.

• Rage can say: this harm is bigger than me, and I feel powerless to stop it.

• Disgust says: this behavior violates something deeply human. 

It’s an internal bell. A spellbreaker. A truth-teller.

When you’ve been taught to ignore these signals, they don’t disappear.

They turn inward.

What Happens When You Turn It Inward

When anger isn’t allowed to move outward, it doesn’t disappear.

It alchemizes.

Into:

• Self-doubt

• Over-explaining

• Chronic guilt

• Trying to “get it right” so you can finally speak.

You start negotiating with reality.

“Maybe I misunderstood.”
“Maybe I’m too sensitive.”
“Maybe if I were better, this wouldn’t feel this way.”

Meanwhile, something inside you is quietly screaming:

No. That wasn’t okay.

But you’ve been trained to mistrust that voice.

So instead of putting into words, you soften it. Shrink it. Translate it into sadness. Because sadness is acceptable.

Sadness doesn’t disrupt the system.

Sadness doesn’t threaten anyone’s power over you.

Sadness keeps you… manageable.

The Moment the Spell Breaks

And then one day—maybe slowly, maybe all at once—you feel it.

Anger.

And suddenly:

• The patterns you couldn’t name before become obvious

• The confusion starts to lift

• The energy you’ve been leaking has a source

You don’t become cruel.

You become accurate.

You can honestly say what you’ve been witnessing right in front of your eyes the whole time.

That wasn’t ok.

And you don’t have to translate it into something softer just to survive it.

The Messy Middle (a.k.a. Your Villain Era… Kinda)

Let’s not romanticize this part.

When you first reconnect with your anger, everything can feel… offensive. You see too much. You feel too much.

And your tolerance for things that once slid by you? Gone.

This is where many people panic and think:

“Oh no. I’ve become the problem.”

You haven’t.

You’ve become aware.

But awareness without practice can feel like chaos.

It’s ok. It’s just a phase.

You’re Going to Be a Toddler. And a Teen.

When you are first exploring your boundaries, your expectations, and your anger, you’ll go through a fundamental phase in your evolution.

First: Toddler phase.

You discover the word no and you use it like it’s your full-time job.

No to things that matter.
No to things that don’t.
No just to feel what it’s like to choose yourself.

Messy? Yes.
Necessary? Also yes.

Then: Teen phase.

You start questioning everything: Expectations, roles, and dynamics that once felt “normal.”

You push. You pull. You experiment with where you end and others begin.

It’s not rebellion.

It’s identity formation and these phases are necessary.

Navigating Your “No”

You’ll have to get comfortable with two truths at once.

• You are allowed to take up space, set limits, and say no.

• You are responsible for repair when you get carried away.

You don’t need to feel shame, you need to feel the full impact of your agency. With great power comes great responsibility after all.

Sometimes when you are growing, the best thing to do is expectation set. Let the people close to you know that things are changing. Sometimes over-communicating can help at first. It can be as simple as saying:

“I’m learning how to listen to myself in a new way. I might come across stronger than you’re used to, but I care about being honest and accountable while I figure this out. I promise that I love you, even if I seem a bit prickly. My goal is to be more honest and that should make our relationship better.”

The people who are meant to join you while you grow?

They’ll hang in there. It might be a bit rocky for a minute but they’ll see where this is all headed.

The people who relied on your silence or loved you for the role you played rather than who you are?

They’ll struggle. This is worth noting.

Accidental Alignment. The Trash Takes Out Itself.

When you trust your internal signals, something surprising happens:

You stop needing to “figure people out.”

You stop overanalyzing. Over-accommodating. Over-functioning.

Because the moment something feels off?

You believe yourself.

And people who benefit from you not noticing?

They don’t stay where they’re clearly seen.

They’ll leave. And this is very important to remember: This is not a loss.

You don’t need to chase them or make it right, because if you were acting with integrity, being honest with yourself and others, taking responsibility when you screwed up, and they still aren’t happy, they never wanted you to shine. They were thriving on your self-betrayal.

Where Could You Use a Little More “Bitch”?

Here are some useful questions to consider:

• Where do I feel resentment in my life?

• Who seems most comfortable when I doubt myself?

• Who expands when I expand—and who contracts or tries to hold me back?

• Am I loved for who I am, or how easy I am to be around?

• What drains me every time—and why do I keep returning?

• If someone I loved were in my position, what would I want for them?

Final Thoughts

Reclaiming your anger won’t make you cruel.

It will make you clear.

It will make you discerning.

It will make you harder to confuse, harder to bend, and much harder to use.

And yes… it might make you a little bit of a “bitch.”

Good.

The kind who sees.
The kind who names.
The kind who refuses to abandon herself to keep the peace.

Sending you honest, courageous, and slightly feral, fairy dust,
Savannah
Not So Ordinary Coaching

Looking to reduce the resentment in your relationship? Learn how to make Radical Requests to your partner and start getting your needs met.